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13 Steps to Being the Worst Blogger on the Planet

This guest post is by Karol K of ThemeFuse.

Being the best blogger on the planet is just so mainstream. Why would you even aim for that?!

Why not aim for something much easier to achieve, and be the worst blogger the world has ever seen?

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, people follow different steps in reaching this goal, but I think these 13 will do the job well enough. So here we go, how to be the worst blogger in the world in just 13 easy steps.

Disclaimer: this is pure entertainment, don’t take it seriously. These steps are exactly the opposite of those you should put into practice.

1. Do no research whatsoever before writing a post

Who needs research? Research is overrated. It just takes time. Chances are no one will be able to notice that your posts are written with no information backing them up anyway.

Simply starting to write whatever comes to mind is a much more effective approach for the worst blogger in the world.

2. Don’t spend more than 30 seconds working on your headline

Headlines are just an evil internet marketer’s way of convincing people to do nasty things! Don’t be a part of the practice.

Make sure you’re on the light side of the force. Don’t use pitchy language that might just be able to arouse some interest in your readers. Be honest and make it clear from the get go that there’s nothing interesting in your posts.

3. Write drunk

What’s your usual behavior when you’re drunk? Talking about strange, unrelated things, maybe? And acting like you’re the biggest expert in the world?

This is exactly the way you should be writing your posts. Remember, the more ideas you touch upon in a single post, the better. Posts about just a single idea are simply lame. The more unrelated information you give, the better.

By the way, did I tell you about my great Chili Con Carne recipe? You take one large onion, some hot peppers, slice it up and put everything in a pan. After about ten minutes you take 0.5 kg of ground beef and put it in the pan too. You season it with some salt, hot pepper, cumin, cayenne pepper, and basil. After about ten minutes you put in some fresh sliced tomatoes, and one can of chopped tomatoes. Then wait another half an hour and put in some red kidney beans. Ten minutes later your meal is ready.

Anyway, what was I..? Oh yes: blogging.

4. Use long paragraphs

If your paragraphs are too short, people will start to think you have nothing to tell them, that you have no knowledge and that you’re not really a good writer. A good writer can manage to write long paragraphs with no sense to them whatsoever.

Here’s how you write a long paragraph. First, you take a thought and basically run wild with it. You start by introducing the thought with a single sentence. Then you create at least ten more sentences explaining the thought even though everyone, and I mean everyone, was able to grasp that idea after reading just the initial sentence. Hold on, I’m not done yet. Then you take a second thought and start talking about it mid-paragraph. Finally, you break the thought in half and continue talking about it in another ridiculously long paragraph.

5. Write as if you were writing to yourself

Whether someone else will read your post or not is irrelevant. It’s not your concern. You only need to make sure that the post is understandable to you.

Come on, it’s your blog, so you should put yourself in the center. You, the author, are the most important person here, not the readers.

Remember, you have a basic understanding of the thing you’re writing about, so you don’t need to explain some of the more basic stuff that’s quite obvious to you. Focus on the interesting, difficult stuff only.

6. Use complex language

Like Shakespeare-complex:

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Or academic-degree-complex:

This paper argues that all evaluation has significant rhetorical dimensions, which are often overlooked. This is particularly dangerous where there are high stakes for evaluation and assessment, as in educational assessment and workplace evaluations.

The possibilities are truly endless. Remember that the more complex words and expressions you use, the more likely you’ll be seen as an expert.

7. Don’t edit

Editing is simply a waste of time. Just like researching.

The initial draft of your post is always good enough. Not once in the history of blogging has anyone ever found that any changes need to be made to the original, first draft of an article.

Your first version is always perfect because you are perfect.

As a matter of fact, take this even further and…

8. Don’t even profreed

Typos or grammatical errors are not really that important. Your text is perfectly understandable even if it contains some typos. Chances are people won’t even notice, and if they do … well, you shouldn’t even care anyway, you’re writing for yourself (see point #5).

9. Post as irregularly as possible

One day, publish two posts one after another; then wait a full two weeks before publishing another post.

Then wait one more month and write a post in which you explain why you’ve been gone, thinking that anyone even noticed. And don’t forget to promise that you’ll be posting more often now.

Then forget about it, and write another post three weeks later like nothing ever happened. Then repeat the whole process by publishing two posts in a day.

10. Don’t respond to comments

Remember: your blog, your rules. No one else matters. Responding to comments is a sign of weakness.

Most importantly, never ever respond to comments where someone asks you a question. The best approach is to never approve such comments in the first place.

11. Don’t ever respond to emails

This is even more important than not responding to comments. If someone asks you something via email, well… tough luck.

You are a highly busy blogger and don’t have time for email. Even if it’s not the case, you still need to act as if it was. Busy important people don’t have time to talk to small and unimportant people. That’s the rule.

12. Don’t tell anyone about your blog

Well, you are writing it for yourself anyway. Besides, people will find their way to your blog on their own, since it’s so great.

You are viral from day one. Expect to have massive success with no promotion. Remember, content is always king, and nothing else matters.

13. Complain when you get no traffic

No traffic? Not your fault. It’s because the space is already crowded, and the people who have been around for a while have it much easier.

Your content, even though so great, has managed to remain unnoticed due to an A-list bloggers’ conspiracy.

14. Get the count of your list posts wrong

Remember, you don’t care about the readers. No one will notice anyway, since you have no actual traffic.

That’s it: a complete guide to being the worst blogger in the world in 13 (or 14, whatever) steps. Feel free NOT to comment cause I don’t even care. And don’t send me any emails, for goodness’ sake!

…actually, please do comment. I’m curious about your opinion on this “reverse” tutorial!

Karol K. is a 20-something year old web 2.0 entrepreneur from Poland and a writer at ThemeFuse.com, where he shares various WordPress advice. Contrary to what you might think, he doesn’t want to be the worst blogger on the planet. Don’t forget to visit ThemeFuse to get your hands on some original WordPress themes (warning: no boring stuff like everyone else offers).

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Comments

  1. Campbell says:

    Hate long paragraphs. Would love to drink and blog and wish it was good for me, kind of like smoking.

  2. HiepNguyen says:

    I’ve fall into points 7 and 12, i have many things to change after reading this post. Very userful posts, Thanks!

  3. So true, I know a lot of people who “just want to write for themselves” and then get mad when no one reads their blog…

  4. John Bolyard says:

    13 Steps to Being the Worst Blogger on the Planet actually takes 14 – that’s how bad it is!

    Love #3 – BWD – don’t do it!

  5. Karol K says:

    Thanks for the comments guys! Writing this article was really fun. :)

  6. Chris Taylor says:

    Great post. Just started last April and learned a few of these things along the way. Wish I had the list when I started. I would add one thing…Publish on Sunday mornings at 4:00 am and tweet like a crazy person for the next hour. Put out as many tweets as you can think of variations of the phrase, “Check this out!”

  7. Saqi R. says:

    Awesome post…I’m currently doing number 7 only.

  8. Assilem says:

    This post answered me a lot of questions xD
    I enjoyed reading it.
    Regards!

  9. This is hilarious! Thanks for sharing it.

    #3 reminded me of a Hemingway quote: “Write drunk; edit sober.”

    Of course you advise to skip editing, so never mind.

  10. This was great! I have done all of these things! Well, not really. I am incapable of using complex language, and I try to always respond to comments and e-mails.

    Anyway, thanks for posting this as it give me something new to aspire to! :)

  11. Ha Ha – I used to write as if I was writing for myself, because my original thought was that my audience was like me. Not the case – luckily I learned this quickly and no longer write to myself any longer.

    Great post – I pleasure to share!

  12. I like the third point. Write drunk, drunks talks are interesting at times an very thoughtful. Drunk writings can be more innovative, convincing and can go on and on…buy yes like someone mentioned earlier Hemingway quote: “Write drunk; edit sober.” :)

  13. holly says:

    I got here after reading “abeerfortheshower”. Decided to see if it was given any awards for worst ever.